i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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