Need sex. Gaining weight.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
