My first STD was from a foam party
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
