I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
