Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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