I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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