my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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