Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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