Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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