ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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