would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
