Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
