Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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