I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
