I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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