remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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