so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
