i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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