I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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