I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
