There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
