I think my fart just growled at me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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