just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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