and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
