Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
