I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
