My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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