I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.