He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
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For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already