Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
