you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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