yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
