I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
