the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
