now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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