He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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