dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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