remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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