If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Randomize
