Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
