i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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