so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
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I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
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