i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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