i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
