Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
