She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
