I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
