I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
