good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
