Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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