I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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