it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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