I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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