When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
