I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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