Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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