Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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