Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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